I Just Don't Remember

By Mary L. Byrne

Before receiving CHOP to treat Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma I had a wonderful memory. I could remember back to my early childhood and could multi task right along with the best.

CHOP changed all of that for me. Thankfully I am in a very strong remission, which has now reached twelve years long. Of course when you receive a diagnosis of cancer your memory is your last consideration. Actually, I never thought to ask what the long term side effects would be because my condition was much too urgent to think about it.

As I went through my scheduled rounds of CHOP I began to experience difficulty remembering different things. I think I assumed it would improve when I completed my treatments. Well, it never did and unfortunately it got worse. Now I not only have a problem with short-term memory but long-term as well. I have been unable to remember many details of my children's childhood and mine as well.

I can only speak for me but for a while I waited and expected to return to my old self, the one I had become so familiar with my whole life but it never happened. The old me as I had come to know myself was gone, it died with the cancer and a new me had replaced it. The kindest thing I've ever done for myself was to come to realize that I must accept myself the way I am and stop waiting for the old me to return. In many ways I think I'm a better person than I was before my diagnosis. I was always kind and considerate but now I'm much more compassionate and patient with others.

I now realize I must make an extra effort to remember the important dates, times and details in my life. I never use my lack of memory as an excuse but I've had to work very hard to overcome this affliction. I do whatever it takes to remember details. I always make lists, stick to them and cross off items as I complete them. I go over and over things in my mind to retrain myself and develop the ability to bring things forward that I need to remember. After a while it becomes second nature. There really isn't any secret to it. You have to desire to function as normally as possible and stop beating yourself up for being different than you once were. You just might be better.

If you found this information helpful, please consider making a donation to the Rhode Island Cancer Council so we may continue adding content to our website and providing valuable services to Rhode Island residents. Please click the Donate icon to the left to make a donation via credit card or your PayPal account.